2/25/2022 || 1:02 AM

He’s so cute.

His eyes sparkle as I look into them. He’s more than I could hope for. Perfectly imperfect.

Did you know… It’s your quirks that are my favorite features about you. The ones that make you insecure. The ones that make you feel self conscious when talking to a beautiful girl. The ones that make you think you’re at a disadvantage when being compared to others. The ones that instantly make me think of you when seeing a stranger walk by on the street. The ones you constantly got made fun of in middle school for. You know the ones… I know you do.

Just know, I wouldn’t change a thing. They’re the reason that to me, you’re unforgettable. Without them, you wouldn’t be you. Without them, you’d be just like everybody else. And tell me, What’s there to want about something I can find anywhere, anyway?

These are the things that I wish I could tell you. But you won't open up to me. You’re too afraid I'll reject you or make fun of you too. Because I seem so tough and quick to cut off what I know I don't want. But maybe I’m playing the same game as you, and for the same reasons too.

My consistent time and attention are the signs you really need to take note of. The way I only know how to be mean to you. Because I'm afraid of you thinking I might like you — Showing you my soft side before you decide to show me yours. The way I avoid you. Because you make me so nervous. Nervous that I'm not interesting or funny enough. Nervous that I may talk too much about a whole lot of nothing. The way I don't believe anything you say or do regarding me means anything special. Because it’s easier to tell myself you don’t really care about me.

Disappointment is something I’ve encountered too many times. I know you have too. We all have. It causes us to change. Appear colder. Convince ourselves that we don't care anymore. That we’ve outgrown the traumas of our past. That we’ve learned from them. But all we’ve really learned Is how to build up walls Walls that will prevent the embarrassment we once felt for hoping too much From making a second appearance. That feeling in the pit of our stomach that reminds us of how fragile we actually are. All we’ve really done Is make ourselves lose the people we want the most. Because we’re too scared to lose them while trying. So we’d rather not try at all. In the end we lose them all the same…

So, yes. You make me want to be delicate. You make me want to be vulnerable. You cause me to be full of desire. You make me want to feel protected by you. You make me want to show you the sides of me that have been taken for granted before. But what I need is to protect myself from history repeating itself with you. I want you. But not if it’s going to be like that.

I need you to give me something more. But neither of us is willing to do it first. I need you to show me that it’s safe to be that version of myself around you. But I know you’re waiting for me to do the same.

You’re perfect just the way you are. Every quirk makes me want you — only you — more and more. But your quirks are also what make losing you the hardest. They’re what make you a lost cause in the first place. But one thing is for certain. You’re a loss I won’t forget.

How many losses will be enough for me to start forgetting you?

Do we ever truly forget? Or do we seek new lost causes that resemble the one that hurt us the most?

In the end, you’re still unforgettable Because I let myself have you in a version I wasn't afraid to lose.