英文text:

[...11.1s]Hello, my friend. Welcome back to Bad Juju. In today's episode, I want to talk about something that I think a lot of people misunderstand when it comes to relationships.I think people always frame relationship as a choice between adopting and rejecting.

Like either you learn how to get along with other people, or you decide someone is not for you and you walk away. But I don't think that's the real question, though.I think the real issue sits somewhere in between, which is boundaries. Because what I've noticed is that a lot of people are not actually adapting in a healthy way.I think they're more like dissolving, [...0.8s] would call their behavior like being flexible, understanding or easy to get along with.But if you look closely, what's actually happening is that they're slowly removing parts of themselves to make the interaction smoother.

Like they would speak less directly, hold back opinions, and tolerate things they don't really respect.And they do it so gradually that they don't even notice when it stops being a choice.I've done that before, especially in friendships where the other person has a strong presence, not necessarily loud or aggressive, but very clear in how they see things, very comfortable placing their opinions into my space.

And at the beginning it doesn't feel like a problem. Like [...0.6s] you might even think they're just being confident, decisive, interesting to talk to. But over time you start noticing something else.Like you notice that when you express something different, the response is not neutral.It's kind of like dismissive or corrective or try, or they're trying to like guide you back to their perspective.

And if you don't sit a boundary there, you will start adjusting, not because you agree, but because you think it's easier than interacting, the flow of the interaction with them. And that's how everything starts.You begin to anticipate their reactions. You edit yourself before you even speak and let things pass that you normally wouldn't accept from the outside.Nothing looks wrong. You're still talking, spending time with each other, and you're still getting along.But internally, you know, some things off, you feel slightly constrained, managed even if no one is openly controlling you.And my friends, that is the effect of not having boundaries.

And what I realized is that this has nothing to do with whether you should stay or leave. That comes much later, if at all.I think the real issue is whether you are able to hold your position while you are still in the interaction.Because if you can't, then every relationship will slowly turn into the same structure.

It doesn't matter who the other person is. If you keep adapting without boundaries, you will keep ending up in dynamics where you are slightly reduced and the other person doesn't even have to be malicious for that to happen.And this is where I think people get it wrong. Like they would wait until they feel very uncomfortable, like uncomfortable enough to consider leaving instead of dealing with the moment where the boundaries was first crossed.

And usually those moments are very small. They're like comments that reframes what you said, a tone that implies you that are slightly off, or a suggestion that sounds like advice, but actually it is a correction. And at that point, most people would let that pass.You know, when they hear things they feel slightly uncomfortable, they're like, ah, it's okay.It's not worth addressing. But that's exactly why it grows because people feel like, oh, maybe this is okay for them, so I'll just step a little further to expand my territory, to make them a bit uncomfortable because I don't mind. Right?And if you allow that behavior once, you will make it easier for other people to repeat. And what gets repeated becomes the structure of the relationship. [...1.3s]

So this week I listened to a podcast by Mel Robbins and Dr. Allison, and what they talked about was exactly this issue. They don't talk about it in a vague or motivational way, but in a very practical sense like how to actually stay in control of yourself inside conversations and relationships. Because that's where most people lose it.

It's not that they don't understand boundaries in theory, it's that when they are in the moment, they don't have access to them.Everything happens so fast and by the time they realize something felt wrong, the conversation has already moved on. [...1.1s]

One thing that really stayed with me is how much of this can actually be prepared in advance.Like we tend to think of conversations as spontaneous. Like you just show up and respond to whatever is happening. But in reality, if you always do that, you are just reacting, right? You're not directing any conversations to somewhere you want and you feel comfortable with.So something I started doing is quite simple. Like before I go into certain situations, I prepare a little. Not like I'm rehearsing it or trying to remember what I'm going to say, but I have a sense of direction. I know what I enjoy talking about, what feels natural to me, and what kind of topics I am comfortable opening up. And that gives me something to fall back on.So if a conversation starts drifting into a place I don't like, I can just actively shape in it.