“You’re just like your mom.”

My wife dropped that line casually. But those weren’t just some random words. They sounded an alarm in my body, and I felt it immediately.

If you’re feeling it too, this Catch. Question. Release. demonstration is for you. If not, read on to see how I ended it so you can try it too.

Catch.

On the outside, my eyes looked sharp, teeth clenched, breath got short. I felt a strong denial rising inside: “I'm not acting like my mom!” My chest was getting tighter and my breath was getting heavier.

Before C.Q.R., my natural reaction was either staying silent to avoid conflicts or getting offended and escalating it. All I wanted was to put an end to this trigger, but I couldn’t end it if I didn’t know what’s behind it. So I decided to get to the bottom of it.

Question.**

I started with: “What’s wrong with being like my mom?” That question stunned me. I heard an angry voice rise up:

<aside> 💢

“She always plays the victim and blames me for her drama and takes no responsibility for her own actions!”

</aside>

Let me translate some of the things she said to me since I was a kid:

• “Look how useless you are.”
• “I shouldn’t have birthed you.”
• “I wouldn’t have to live like this if it wasn’t for you.”

She treated me as her biggest emotional punching bag:

• When she got frustrated, she lashed out at me.
• When she got disappointed, she blamed me.
• When she got angry, she hit me.

There is ABSOLUTELY no way I would treat my daughter like that!

But “Why don’t I want to be like her?”