Because you deserve way more joy in your life.
Gather ‘round, my fellow perfectionists! I am here to inform you that the American Psychological Association (APA) actually has a definition for people like us.
We have a “tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation,” per the APA.
Do you feel as seen (and called out) as I do?
Basically, perfectionism is a non-clinical term for feeling like you and/or others have to meet very high standards in one or more areas of life, says licensed psychologist Bonnie Zucker, PsyD, author of A Perfectionist’s Guide to Not Being Perfect. Most of the time, those standards are impossible to meet, she notes. Some people need their schoolwork or work work to be typo-free and amazing. Others expect the most from those around them. And for others (maybe you? maybe me?) it’s literally all the above—they’re just sort of universally perfectionistic, says Dr. Zucker. Fun!
Listen, perfectionism can help you achieve stuff, according to psychotherapist Sara Walls, LCSW, who works with a lot of high-achievers, perfectionists, and people pleasers. It becomes a problem, though, when you crank up harsh self-talk, judge your friends or roommate for not meeting your expectations, or avoid a project because you’re scared to eff up, she says. All of that can hurt your relationship with yourself and others and even keep you from getting shit done (every perfectionist’s nightmare).
The good news is that loosening your grip on perfection might actually make you happier and more content with the things you achieve at work, at school, or in life.
You can start by purposely taking risks to see what happens. Say the wrong answer in class, let people come to your house even when it’s not the cleanest, or meet a friend for lunch without makeup on, Dr. Zucker suggests. You’re exposing yourself to things outside of your comfort zone of high standards and learning that not living up to those standards isn’t the end of the world.
“There’s nothing wrong with striving to be your best self and get perfect grades, but College Me thought that I’d amount to nothing if I wasn’t perfect. I let go of perfectionism by realizing, thanks to therapy, that perfection isn't a way of life. Nobody is perfect, and nothing I do will ever be perfect. Even though there's always room for growth and improvement in anything we do, holding yourself up to an unnecessary standard is not helpful. I still try my hardest but not at the cost of my mental health anymore.” —Casey C., 24
“About a year ago, I realized a lot of my perfectionist tendencies were really me trying to gain control in my life. Now, I really try to focus on why I want something to be perfect. Is it because it will truly make me happy or because I want something to be in more of my control than it is? Is it really something I want to give my limited energy to?
Basically, I try to consider whether reaching perfection is worth the time I'd have to put into it. Like with our Christmas tree: I could spend an extra hour or two making it perfect, or I could spend that time relaxing by the imperfect-but-still-nice tree and give myself a break.” —Rachel J., 31
“Pointing out a typo my friend made in a text makes them feel self-conscious. Rejecting a compliment from someone sends the message that I think they have poor judgment. When I reflect on that negative impact and compare it to how I want to live, I can relax my standards, bring some lightness into the decision or task, and take action—even if that action is imperfect.” —Sara Walls, LCSW, psychotherapist
“As a student, I often end up doing everyone's work in a group setting. But one time, when I just didn’t touch other people’s work, our group grade wasn’t bad. I realized that my perfectionism might only help us get an extra two or three points; plus, it would cost me hours of work, which I could spend doing other things. That's how I started to let things go.” —Rushitha M., 25
“I used to feel like I couldn’t go to bed until all of my life and work stuff was done, so I used to be someone who went to bed between 2 and 3 a.m. During the pandemic, everything slowed down and I started sleeping eight hours a night. I learned to prioritize sleep, which meant giving up my perfectionistic ideals of going to bed with my to-do list done. Now, I do not work past 8 or 9 p.m., and I never find myself up until 2 or 3 a.m. anymore. I take longer to get back to people and I turn things in later than I used to, but there has been absolutely no negative impact whatsoever.” —Bonnie Zucker, PsyD, licensed psychologist