Before we go onto the match previews, and while we’re still early enough in the season that literally anyone can still win, I just wanted to remind you all what you’re playing for. One of these beauties (this is from the website of the manufacturer, I don’t dare touch the real thing because I feel this may have cursed me in previous years). It’s very pretty. Not that I would know.

Also a reminder that if you haven’t sent me the $7.50 or whatever I asked for to help pay for this - you’re a cad.

Game 1: (15th) Allan is the key (Mitchell) Vs (6th) Tsatasfaction (Brenton) H2H History: Mitchell 2, Brenton 1.

Mitch hasn’t exactly been setting the world on fire so far in 2023, currently beating only Peter in total score for the year. This really shouldn’t surprise anyone since Mitch made the Grand Final last year and the it’s well proven that the Premiership Curse also tends to strike down the runner-up. Brenton meanwhile has been plodding along doing just enough to go unnoticed while rising up the ladder. I expect this game to continue that trend.

Game 2: (13th) Lobbjockeys (Will) Vs (10th) Get to the Hopper (Rob) H2H History: Rob 1, Will 0.

The most interesting this about this game is probably that Rob is currently in Europe right now. While this means he almost certainly won’t be checking his team correctly as he spends the entire time getting boozy with colleagues, it does mean that he’s within a stone’s throw of Will (assuming one could throw a stone from Germany to Ireland, which given enough super strength I’m sure one feasibly could). Anyway, the reason this is interesting is that they could meet up in person to make this all the more dramatic - of course we all know Will will do whatever it takes to never see anyone face to face so that’s entirely theoretically. Rob could turn up in Ireland at Will’s place of employment asking for some silly council request and Will would absolutely find a reason not to be there. So I guess what I’m saying is this match isn’t actually interesting at all, for any reason.

Game 3: (16th) Baby Brain (Nat) Vs (2nd) JingleAllTheMcStay (Gav) H2H History: Gav 9, Nat 7.

Nat, Nat, Nat. We all hoped that Alan’s win over Will 2 weeks ago was a fluke. Instead, he went super well last week and destroyed Nat. And now, as just punishment, Nat finds herself up against Gavin who is currently 2nd on the ladder. If Nat thought she was hard done last week by Alan scoring a huge 1575, she should probably avert her eyes from Gavin’s score. How did Gavin get to second? Everyone was so focused on Mark, Kaan and Andy that Gavin just ninja’d his way all the way up into such dizzying heights. He’s not just second in the Head to Head ladder either, he’s also 2nd for total points, meaning he’s worthy of being there. Gavin is the winner of the only previous 18 team league - can he do it again??

Game 4: (11th) Hilltop Hoods (Shay) Vs (18th) MarkovTheBeast (Peter) H2H History: N/A

Shay forgot to put waivers on this week, and it’s unknown whether Peter will look at his team at all given the birth of his daughter during the week. And with Touk out and doubts around whether Daicos will play - the only reason this match isn’t first on the card is because both teams might be equally poor. More importantly though, Shay has been up front about helping Peter learn the ins and outs of SC since the first or second week of SC. This led (presumably) to Peter humiliating Alan in round 5 (notably outscoring Shay in the same round). Shay has undoubtedly cost himself a huge percentage boost (such as those experienced by Kaan and Mitch in the first 2 rounds) but has he also cost himself a win?

Game 5: (9th) Kick it to sCooper (Tom) Vs (3rd) Weddledthebed (Mark) H2H History: Tom 1, Mark 0.

Tom has been a bit of a quiet achiever this year. He might only be 9th on the ladder, but he’s 6th for overall score. That’s only one place (and only a couple hundred points) behind Mark, who only last week was in a battle against Kaan to determine who would be the only team left undefeated. If you ask Mark who will win this game, he’ll tell you that Tom has already won. If Mark does lose, he might quickly go from fighting for the top spot on the ladder, to fighting for a spot in the top 8.

Game 6: (7th) Alwyn&TheChipMunks (Lachlan) Vs (14th) Wardlaw & Order (Alan) H2H History: Alan 9, Lachlan 3.

Last week was a pleasant surprise for Lachlan when, reading the preview, he discovered he was in the 8. The fact that he somehow didn’t know this is pretty damning for the rest of us. The fact that he then went on to beat Andy - who remains the top scorer for the year - to climb even higher, is even more so. Meanwhile Alan went from the absolute laughing stock of the IJL, sitting on his longest ever losing streak and dead last on the IJL ladder having suffered defeat at the hands of Peter… to winning 2 games in a row against Will and Nat. And not just winning them, but scoring well too. In fact, he’s climbed to 9th for total score. That’s one spot above Lachlan. Alan and Lachlan both scored big last round, 1573 and 1554 respectively. Can Lachlan manage a similar score and put a stop to Alan’s little winning streak before it goes too far - or will Alan be in the 8 before we know it, and stop us all from laughing?

Game 7: (12th) Do the Tsa Tsa (Kristin) Vs (17th) JustTheTippa (Gabe) H2H History: Kristin 1, Gabe 0.

It’s the battle of Donny! Well, you could technically include any game between these 2 and Mark in that - but considering the AFL is calling Collingwood vs Swans ‘Battle of the Birds’ for some reason, ignoring the fact that Collingwood played the Crows just last week, and Hawks and Eagles exist in the AFL, this feels just as correct. Historically, Gabe has never beaten Kristin. And after losing to Shay by an agonising 10 points (also with an extra player) last week, this is a win Gabe desperately needs. We declared last week that the loser of Shay vs Gabe would be able to claim they were outright the most unlucky player in 2023 to date - but honestly they both scored so badly that they dropped quite a lot in the Total Points ladder. Gabriel now finds himself only 14th. That said - Kristin is only 15th. This is partially because she had most of her midfield suspended against Mark 2 weeks ago, mind you. Last week, meanwhile, Kristin… WON BY A SINGLE POINT over Kris!? How did I not notice this until now?? How was no one speaking about it? You better believe I’ll be mentioning this now in Kris’ game later. Anyway, the point is, Gabe needs this win desperately. Let’s see how he fares.

Game 8: (8th) Epsteene Island (Chris) Vs (4th) Hollands-aiseSauce (Andrew) H2H History: Chris 1, Andy 0.

Andy, Andy, Andy. Number 1 for total score, played Peter when he was a rabble and got a nice percentage boost from it. Should really be top of the ladder. Instead, has lost the last 2 games and is now just barely clinging on to the top 4. This league really can be cruel. At least he’s got an easy game this week, right? Wait, what did Chris score last week? 1,698? The highest score of ANYONE all year? Oh dear. 1st vs 3rd for total points. Expect this one to be huge.

Game 9: The Main Event (1st) The Adams Family (Kaan) Vs (5th) OscarPu$$y (Kris) H2H History: N/A